2008-06-22 4:52 p.m. -- X listening to: pink floyd - "goodbye blue sky" W --
so i haven't made an entry in a while.. that's okay though... i was never good at keeping up with my journals. in other news, i'm still single & i haven't had sex with anyone since jimmy. it's been since december 29th. i think i might be going a little crazy... but who is to say that i'm not already crazy? heh.
i'm so tired of hearing people tell me that i'm just a waste of space & flesh. i already know this... thanks! i know i'm a thorn in a lot of people's sides. i don't have a car or two jobs like she does... haha. but whatever, i'm not scared to be alone. i may be lonely sometimes, but i'm okay.. i can fend for myself. life has thrown a lot of twists and turns at me, but it has gotten me where i am today.
although, sometimes i think i'm not able to be what everyone expects of me. i'm 20 years old... and trapped like a little lab rat in a house full of angry people. i'm sick of being stuck in a little town in ohio. i have no car to get a job, and no job to get a car. everything around me is 20 miles away from me, so how i am supposed to get anywhere stuck in this shithole?! haha, i should email tyra banks and see if she wants to help a piece of shit like me out. LOL....
as for my love life... i've been talking to a few guys here and there. but i wanna be with a woman! haha! anyway, i was talking to this really jerky guy... but i told him to just leave me the fuck alone. he was a jerk.. and there was this other guy i was talking to.. but he gives up so quick, i don't think it would of worked out anyway. there are other guys i'm talking to also... the one is a really sweet man who always knows the right thing to say to me. he's really very sweet... but i'm pretty sure nothing will come of it. he just makes me feel good. as for the other ones... all they want is sex from me, and sadly for them i won't give it up. hahaha.. they think they can just sweet talk their way into bed with me, and i just shut them down. i think my problem is that i find something i don't like about them... and it's so hard for me to look past that big flaw. of course, i know i'm selfish and stupid for doing that... because i know i'm very flawed. but i'm fucking nuts. maybe i just won't let anyone in, i just keep them at a distance from my heart. but i think that's understandable after six years of loving someone who just threw me away.
but yeah. so i'm broken. but i'll fix myself someday.
2007-12-27 9:08 a.m. -- X listening to: kidney thieves - "crazy" W --
i knew my dreams, my feeling... everything i was feeling and thinking was right. I was fucking RIGHT all along, and i wish i would of followed my gut sooner. jimmy broke up with me the day AFTER christmas, told me he wasn't happy and that he didn't want to be with me. he nees TIME. i told him take all the fucking time he wants, because i'm through wasting my time and investing my emotions into someone who doesn't give a fuck about me.
i'm so fucking stupid for loving him, so stupid for thinking my love could of held him. i'm so stupid. but i'm not going to be stupid anymore. i've had it. i've had itwith investing emotions into ANYTHING.
2007-12-20 5:10 a.m. -- X listening to: sublime - "foolish fool" W --
Happy Holidays Everyone!
how do you like our x-mas tree? it's so tiny. lmao.
SO, a new layout for a new year comin' up~ how do you like it? simple, B&W, and made entirely in MS paint. which is a first for me. nothing too amazing, but good enough that i like it. i'll probably change it soon. LOL.
jimmy will be home the 22nd!!! i'm so happy that's he's coming home. if you couldn't tell, i've missed him VERY much. i've been crying, and being a jealous bitch and just being downright sad that i wasn't able to talk to him as much as i like. which probably means i'm way too obsessed with him. but i get like that when it comes to him. he was my first *real* boyfriend. first guy i slept with, first guy i felt comfortable enough to kiss/touch/be around for longer than an hour. he has my heart!
LOL. this .gif makes me giggle. mr. T stole mario's yoshi!!! <3
besides that, my national guard recruiter showed up today. i'm so fucking IFFY about joining the NG. it's not my cup of tea, but it feels like it's my only way to go. i don't know what else i can do with myself. i don't have a high school diploma, no car, no starting money to even go anywhere with my life. i can't just depend on jimmy for everything. but i know if i got a regular job ( west co. is hiring and i know a few people who work there without a diploma. ) i'd be able to be with jimmy & not have to join the NG. and on the side, i might just craft for some extra money. although, i need to get better at it. NG has so much oppertunity... like 20 grand signing bonus, 300+ a month just to go to school, free college and free medical. i could get my teeth fixed, get laser hair/skin surgery. but i REALLY don't want to go to iraq, and i def. don't want to be away from jimmy. at all. i'm already away from him enough. and signing six years of my life away sounds so scary. i don't know what to do with myself. at all.
2007-12-18 12:40 a.m. -- X listening to: sum 41 - "some say" W --
james left the 12th, and i haven't spoke but a good three minutes with him. it is driving me crazy. he left me a message last night saying that his cellphone is acting weird.. he can't call or text, so.. i don't know. i just feel fucking useless here. he's in flordia with all these tanned beautiful women, and i'm going out of my fucking mind in ohio. i'm terrified that he might be hiding something, but i feel horrible for doubting him. they say a good relationship is based on trust... but it's not that i don't trust him. i don't trust other women. women to me seem like they are out for themselves (not all of them, just a good number of the ones we like to call SLUTS).. and he's a damn man. he's not going to just be like, "yeah, sorry i'm with someone whose in another state right now." but how am i REALLY supposed to know for sure? he says he's working long hours and he's been SO busy... but he's been busy enough to drive some guys to a bar and be the DD? the only sober guy in a FLORDIA bar!? there has to be women trying to talk to him. he's a very handsome boy who is of age. and i know he would never tell me if he fucked some other girl. he just wouldn't. i'm not fucking dumb. i'm going fucking nuts just thinking of all these women probably throwing themselves at him... his worker buddies egging him on or whatever.
i'm such a paranoid jealous bitch. i seriously need some fuckin' help. LOL.
on another note..
i went to my lawyer's today. i waited a half hour after the time my appointment should of started. then after waiting that fucking long, he shooed me out after three or four minutes of bullshitting about my case. fucking prick... wasting my gas to tell me something you could of told me over the phone? what the fuck is up with that?
*sigh* my dad wants me to go to "counsling". he thinks i have problems. i know i do... i'm not the motivated 20 year old like all the others out there. i'm a fucking loser. thanks dad! glad to know how i measure in your eyes..
2007-11-29 6:18 p.m. -- X listening to: slightly stoopid - "everything you need" W --
so, i dropped my cellphone in the toliet this evening. i'm pretty pissed about it.. just another thing on my fucking list.. haha, november ... you.. my dear, are turning out to be one terrible month this year~ at least i got a joint to smoke... *sigh*
anyway, on to other things beside my wallowing...my dad was asking me to save my bloody tampons for him so he can get a big buck this hunting season. how many of you can say that your dad asked you that? *shudder* i guess he heard this shit from some girl that his friend dates that goes out hunting every year. she told him to hang a bloody tampon to a tree and watch the buck come running to it. pretty fucking twisted right? there is NO fuckin' way my dad is going to get anything from my body~ eww. he said he'd pay me 25 dollars for it so he can get a big buck this year. for some reason, i find this all highly amusing and disgustingly funny. buck are gross. and so are hunters. lol.
i thought jimmy would be home thursday or friday and he found out he probably won't be home until the 15th. he left before halloween. i hate his job. it's like he's married to it or something... but i can't hold him back... or drag him down, so i try not to make it hard on him. long distance relationships are hard.. and i wanna prove to him that i'm in it for the long-haul, willing to stick by him. ^-^
ANYWHOOOOOO.. i made a few necklaces and earrings <3 here they are:
"taco flavored kisses"
haha, this one is inspired by my friend bean. she cracks me up. so i thought a taco necklace was a great idea at the time, with bean going, "taco, taccccooo.. burrito!". so i made it~ and this is the result. tacos, anyone?
"sushi plate!"
so i was beginning to ATTEMPT making canes. my canes turned out.. terrible. so i made sushi. because everyone who likes sushi will love it.. and those who don't will bow down to it's size and wonderment. LOL. it's about the size of a nickel. there is a regular white bead sitting next to the sushi, to show the size. and it's not the most AMAZING clay work EVER.. but hey, everyone needs practice.
"loaded gun complex"
i found those AWESOME plastic guns in my nephew's toybox. i wrapped wire around the top part of the gun and made it a loop to have it dangle from a nice, sharp lookin' sliver chain. i also added two O-rings (jump rings... whatever you'd like to call them) at the base of the gun for a little embelishment. i'm over the top, what can i say? lol. (psh.)
"my yellow moons"
at first i wasn't so sure i liked these at all to begin with. it's inspired by playing hours of sailor moon RPG for snes. i'm a *huge* sailor moon fan. but after hearing so many people say they like them, i got used to them. still, not my favorite pair i've ever made.
"earthy tears"
simple drop earrings. i love 'em. somehow i found these cute wire-wrapped little green glass beads, just waiting to be made into somethin'. so i got the gold chain, and added teardrop clear beads at the bottom of the green wire wrapped beads. sometimes, less is more!
"elegance in pearls"
i wanted something gold & white, something "refined" and glam~ i'm not sure if this is what "refined" should be or is... but i'd like to think so!! pearls look good on ANY girl~ and is classy & sassy. wh00p!
"starry eyed"
i found the cutest little wire stars at jo-ann's. i bought 'em, and whipped this simple earring set up.
"i've got the blues"
it's a blue gun. with little blue bullets or somethin' next to them.
please lemme know if you like them, or any suggestions you may have. i've been thinking of opening my own shop or something, i'm not sure~ ^-^
2007-11-27 3:02 p.m. -- X listening to: koRn - "coming undone" W --
warning. start of a extremely long family-related ranting.
i don't know why but when my brother and father coem home and are piss-drunk, trying to be nice & making me "a part of" helping them out... just pisses me off. dad was so fucking sloshed he asked he to help him find a flashlight that was right in front of his face, and then when i found it for him... he asked me why he had the flashlight, while in the middle of searching for the flashlight, he forgot what he was looking for! how stupid can you be?? and TJ, who is always making weird sounds ... just acts like someone starved him for a week and he feels he needs to shove everything in his mouth at once, as if someone was going to steal his food. it drives me fucking bonkers!! of course, there is my mother who keeps to herself mostly, but she bitches and bitches when she finds something of hers in someone else's hands, but the other day i found a lot of my makeup in her bathroom. her ass must pump pondwater, because she's a fucking hypocrite. get this. these days she likes to comment on how wild my hair can get. she even has the fucking nerve to ask me, "when was the last time you showered? your hair looks disgusting." i gave her the look, and asked her, "when was the last time you shaved your upper lip?" she got pretty pissed & told me to go away.
and my nephew, who is TJ's kid, is so fucking BRATTY!!! it pisses me off because he's only 7 and he thinks he can get away with anything. he'll sit there and say he's hungry RIGHT before he gets into bed. he won't eat supper because he "doesn't like it". and when i babysit him, he will say he's hungry and if i don't get off my ass right away and get him something to eat, he'll be like, "i told you i was hungry!" and then proceeds to sit there and say i have a big head.. and dad will ask what i want for supper and TT will be like, "MAYO!" to me. because he knows i hate it. little brat.
i can't wait to live with jimmy. just me & him, and no one to clean up after but myself & him.
2007-11-01 12:34 a.m. -- X listening to: tech nine - "slacker" W --
*wave* hey everyone~ happy belated halloween e.e; i was going to update earlier... but i'm lazy like that!
today was alright, some stupid drama was brought about by me & jimmy's good friend micheal.. .he told me some shit i don't want to think about. let's just say sex destroys ... DESTROYS!!!!! i hate sex sometimes. and dirty females with no good fuckin' right.
as for the blog with nothing but layouts~ haha, i'm still working on that.. i've made a few here and there, but i'd like to get a few more up.
on another note... i was just thinking to myself and wondering if the voice inside my head actually sounds like me... or someone else. a voice deeper.. maybe more refined and sensual? yeah right... :P
i want a work at home job. something that isn't a scam & brings in the muthafuckin' cheddar, baby! ^_~v everyone keeps telling me "good luck with that!" ... haha, like i'm a damn fool for wantin' somethin' like that. oh well... e.e;
i made some kickass jewelry!! i posted them in my deviantart gallery~ go have a looksie <3 for some reason i've been on this jewelry kick. maybe it's because i got a bunch of new beadin' stuff. like cool chains and such... and i learned an easy way to make my own jump rings ~ i'm soooo happy 'bout that. now i just need a simple way to make my own earwires. i run out of those so often. ;/
so i've been texting jimmy lately. it's not as nice as hearing his voice when he's so far away. and sometimes after i text him, he won't answer 'till the day later and tell me something like, "my phone died".. which is completely understandable. i dunno. i'm such a jealous lover, i swear. but i'm a fucking hypocrite too. i'm just a giant contradiction sometimes..
lately i've been feeling like a big empty space. i'm 20 years old with nothing to show for anything i've done in my life. no awards, no accomplishments, no education, no money. i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. it kind of depresses me, how i've gone no-where in my life.. just stuck in the same spot, repeating, over... and over, and over! bah. *shakes fist at sky* where does my power lie!?
for the best look of this layout, please use the MAXIMIZE button. :D
t h e * G i R L lisa marie!
this is a little intro into a world of a twisted twenty year old woman.
i'm not perfect, nor am i a very "PG" kind of girl. i swear like a sailor, and i'm a damn mess. i have extreme jealousy issues, i get paranoid easily and i honestly don't know why anyone puts up with my dumb shit. i'll be the first to tell you that my bad qualites out weigh my good. i'm a couch potato, i sleep until 1 or 2 pm, and play a lot of video games. my hobbies include jewelry making, polymer clay, and blog/ layout design. just read my journal if you feel the need to. or if you would like to know more.
N O W & T H E N what you heard bout this
[[ birthname ]] Lisa
[[ nicknames ]] LISAFER, liece, lisa marie
[[ years on earth ]] twenty.
[[ gender ]] female.
[[ reading ]] "a seperate reality" by carlos castaneda
[[ anime ]] sailor moon, star ocean ex
[[ manga ]] clover, serial experiments lain
[[ video games ]] star ocean the second story, ff6 & ff7, chrono cross, fable, BOF series, final fantasy tactics, shadowrun, earthbound, chrono trigger, sailor moon another story, dragon quest 8, all the harvest moons, animal crossing DS, breath of fire series, my sims
[[ music ]] pink floyd, cream, jethro tull, red hot chili peppers, flyleaf, breaking benjamin, nirvana, my ruin, tori amos, poe, micheal jackson (only when he was black tho), kidney thieves, deftones, M.S.I, david bowie, the vines, otep, from a second story window, blink 182, rob zombie, eminem, d12, led zepplin, sublime, soul asylum, marilyn manson, koRn, icp, twizted, bizarre, kMk, afro man, crossfade, mudayne, taproot, the cranberries, marilyn manson, pearl jam, tool, perfect circle, dashboard confessional, sex pistols, sum 41, alien ant farm
[[ i feel ]] extremely sad
G R A V E Y A R D it's all in the past
here's *this* blog's older entries
( here is my *old* blog's older entries )
(email me or leave a comment if you'd like to trade links <3 )
would you like to trade links? if so, please show me the place you linked me and send me an email or comment, and i'll put your link up!! <3 thanks for your support!
lyrics on this layout are from alien ant farm's song, "she's evil". the bird and lock are royalty free images i found on the net. the rest of it was made and coded by me. i only used MS paint and notepad and lots of fucking editing and tweaking!! haha.